Clowns steal my sanity.

It might not happen to you...

2007-10-27T09:17:00.001-07:00

or to me. All the fuss of weddings and engagements has forced me to consider the question that all women my age ask themselves, "Will I ever get married?". I always assumed I would. Growing up in the south you take classes in high school like "How to trap yourself a lawyer by the age of 23?". Apparently I skipped that one because I was too busy getting high or practicing or something. Anyway, I am very happy for all my friends who have decided to take the plunge. They have found good and decent partners and I have no doubt that they will all be happy in the marriages. But as I survey the lot of available men and I am beginning to realize that the older I get the more bleak things look. Even though I love all men of all colors and background, I have always thought that someday, somehow I would end marrying a black man. But the older I get the more I realize that this may not happen for the vast majority of black men that I am attracted to are either gay, married, or only date women who are not black, or all three. It just doesn't look good or the home team. Now I must admit that I am in no hurry. At this present moment most men make me sick to my stomach and I could care less if I am in relationship. But it would be nice to know that I can attract nice, American, not fat or old or disgusting men. Is that to much to ask for? For once I would like to be approached by a man that has good job, who likes women, who smells good, and who is tall enough that I can look him in the eye. I know that is a tall order, no pun intended, but hey, I have three degrees, I am a good looking chick, I am smart, I think I deserve at least that. I can deal with not having a happily ever after if I can have at least that.

I hate the smell...

2007-10-19T12:45:00.000-07:00

of cheap perfume in the morning. Seriously people, give my allergies a rest. That's what I get for teaching in Queens.

I'm not crazy, I'm just bored!

2007-10-04T06:01:00.000-07:00

So for those of you who haven't figured it out, My name is Nakia Verner, and I am completely obsessed with sports . Especially football, futbol, and what the fuck, baseball. How did that happen? Well, it's because I live in New York. Home to the stupid New York Yankees and my terrible New York Mets. Oh if I could have back the nights I stayed up late to see the Mets play and win against almost every pathetic national league team early in the summer I would have enough energy to actually get something done at work. But it was all worth it because we were in winning and we were in 1st place. All that time and energy and rooting and crossing of fingers, and for what! They blew the 1st place lead in the last week of the season, THE LAST WEEK OF THE SEASON. Bums! All of them are Bums! Well, except for David Wright. He's money. He basically can do no wrong. See previous post.

Anywhoos, Hilary and I noticed that I was becoming a tad too involved with ESPN, ESPN2, ESPNU, ESPNHD, (you get the picture) and decided on last Sunday (better known as the day the Mets stomped on my heart) that I should take some time off and figure out what sports has been replacing in my life. So, this week, so far, I have not watched minute of sports, I have not listened to any sports radio, or checked any scores on line. The result of the experiment.....I am loosing my mind! I mean, how I am supposed to do this. We have football, baseball, and soccer going on at the same time. How am I supposed to boo the Yankees if I can't see them on TV. Oh well, it will be a week on this coming Sunday and hopefully I will have some clarity. Or maybe I will be even more crazy than I was before. Only time will tell. In the meantime, Go Colts!

For my girl Hilary! Your boy David.

2007-08-13T12:08:00.001-07:00

The boys of Summer.

2007-07-17T07:30:00.000-07:00

Hell yeah! David Wright and Jose Reyes of the New York Mets! Yowza!

Muchas Gracias USA!

2007-06-24T16:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry (all four of you) that I have not posted in awhile but preparing for Figaro has taken over my life. I won't bore with the details but the performance is next weekend so wish me luck.

I took a break from Mozart to watch the much anticipated (by me and the other 2 people who watch soccer in this country) La Copa d'Ora (The Gold Cup). The final was today between US and Mexico and we won 2-1. Whoohoo. I am completely captivated by the US Men's National Team. They keep winning even though they gets no respect from the rest of the world. They get beat up and called names but they never give up. Oh, by the way. Did I mention that they are hot as hell. Everyone give it up for our Captain,

Carlos Bocanegra!

Carlos is Mexican-American. His parents are Mexican but he was born here. He represents us with pride. Damn, he....is...so...fine....Viva la Bocanegra!

Thank you baby infant Jesus!

2007-05-28T15:02:00.000-07:00

I got the Countess in The Marriage of Figaro that I auditioned for at the last minute. It is my first big New York City gig and I am muy excited about it. I will be singing with the Brooklyn-Queens Orchestra and now I can honestly call myself a professional opera singer and not feel like I am lying. Whoohoo for me! Now, where did I put that damn Figaro score?

www.nakiaverner.com

Crash Mansion baby!

2007-05-23T04:21:00.001-07:00

On Sunday I headed to Brooklyn to Brook and Kurt's house to do some rehearsing for the upcoming Soren and Brian show. We rehearsed for about 30 mins and talked and watched Little Brittain for about an hour and a half. We then proceded to several drinking establishments to meet John for afternoon drinks before ending up at a great, expensive restaurant and having dinner and drinking wine and whatever else we could find. At rehearsal on Monday night we had pretty productive rehearsal that included lots of beer and some really good singing.

What, you ask, is the point of this stupid narrative? Well, I will tell you then.

See you there! I promise I will be not be wasted.

I heart...

2007-04-24T14:25:00.000-07:00

Dakota Fanning. Yeah, she's creepy and way too mature for her age. And yeah I kind of wanted to kill her in "War of the Worlds" because all she did was scream throughout the entire movie. But I just saw "Dreamer" today along with my 4th grade students. Yeah, it's a kid movie but these are tough days and with all the evil things that going on I sort of welcome any distraction. My heart has become hardened a bit. It's silly but the movie made remember simpler days when we were younger and we had no idea how hard life was going to be. When all we cared about is being the first in line for the ice cream truck and taking that first bite of our icy pop. Or making sure the ball had enough air for our early evening game of kick ball. Or dreaming and believing that we could do anything we wanted. Hmmm...the old days....

I also heart US soccer...did I mention that?

In memory...

2007-04-17T13:26:00.000-07:00

of those who fell victim yesterday to a senseless act. I feel sad for their families and that whole community in Blacksburg. It makes you remember your own mortality and to treat every day as if it were your last. May God bless their souls.

I am sick and fucking tired!

2007-04-15T12:50:00.000-07:00

I have been stewing, positively stewing, about this whole Imus controversy. So I am gonna say what's on my mind then I am done with all of this bullshit.

First of all let me say this. I listen to talk radio all of the time. Because I commute everyday to work I listen because it makes may day go faster. I listen to NPR, Free FM, and my favorite, ESPN radio. And yes, sometimes just for kicks I would listen to Imus. Never liked the man but it is almost like watching a train reck, it is awful but you can't take your eyes off of it. However, I was not listening when he made his comments. I was enjoying myself on my much needed vacation in South Carolina. Some of you may be wondering what I might think of what happened being that I am a black woman. Well, I will tell you what I think. When I heard what he said in context I was very offended. You should know that for African-Americans the term "nappy-headed" is very offensive. After my initial five minutes of shock I got over it. I knew that Imus was trying to make a joke and failed horribly and probably didn't mean anything by it and then I moved on with my day. But no, I couldn't do that because I turn on the TV and the radio and everybody's talking about. Okay, now I am pissed.

Listen people and listen good. I understand why these women were mad. They had good reason to be but they did not ask Al Sharpton to stick his stupid nose into the situation. Al Sharpton does not speak for all black people! I will say it again, Al Sharpton does not speak for all black people! I am tired of everytime something happens that involves a black person the first people the media looks to talk to is Al Sharpton or Jesse Jackson. What, are they no other intelligent black people in the world! Don't get it twisted, it is all about money and when you put Al Sharpton in front of a camera it is going to draw viewers and therefore draw money. That's what the media want's. They want a story and God forbid they put somebody on TV that might have something logical to add to the conversation.

So, this whole fucking week I have been walking around with the feeling that if white people didn't hate black people before, they probably do now. You hear people talking about the double standard of rap music. Yes, a lot of the rap music you hear on the radio is bad. All they talk about is bitches and hos and this and that. But wake up people! That is what they want you hear. The majority of rappers talk about what is going on in the world and talk about struggles in our community and how we can make things better. I am talking about rappers like The Roots, Common, Dead Prez, Jurassic 5, Lupe Fiasco, Nas, and others like them. But do you see them on MTV and yes, even on BET, Hell no! Because little white kids on Montana don't wanna hear righteous rap. They won't sell as many records with the "niggas, bitches, and hos". Oh yeah, you probably didn't know that either, that the biggest purchasers of rap music are young, suburban, white kids. Not ghetto kids in the Bronx. The argument that use of these words in black culture is problem that needs to be handled is true. It has gotten way out of control. But that doesn't mean that you can use those words and not offend women who are so obviously not "hos".

Finally, I just want to say that I believe in free speech. I don't think that Imus should have been fired. I think that the big executives are big pussies for firing him and I think that Al Sharpton in an asshole. But I wish that people could understand that those words do hurt no matter who uses them. I have been called a nigger, a ho, a nappy-headed bitch before and it sucks and it hurts. I get looks when I go into upscaled stores. I get ignored when I want be seated in a nice restaurant. My brother gets stopped at least once a week for the simple reason of him being young and black. My old high school still, in the year 2007, has seperate proms for the black kids and the white kids. I have students whose houses I can't call or visit because they have parents that are racist. There is not a day that goes by that I don't wonder if I going to make it as an opera singer because even though the business has come a long way, I look at the met roster and out of over 200 hundred singers only two black people are singing lead roles. But my mother didn't raise me to make excuses. She raised be not to ignorant and not to judge. She taught me that it is the Christian way to forgive. So just like the Rutgers Women's basketball team I forgive Imus and many like him that say things that are hurtful. She taught me that when things go wrong not to put the blame on anyone or anything else but where the blame belongs. She taught me not to forget the past and to be proud of who I am and where I came from. You see, I live my life knowing that I am the hope and the dream of the slave. I am also proud to live in a country where we can say and think what we please. At least I thought we could. This is America people. Let's wake the fuck up!

Are you serious?

2007-03-28T13:43:00.000-07:00

Because you can't be serious. I mean, it is going to blow my mind if you are really serious.

....I totally hate lame people. Do you know that you are lame? You are totally lame and should really stop being so lame because lame people generally suck.

Okay, in other news both my alma maters have been knocked out of the NCAA tournament (Winthrop and Tennessee) which totally fucks up my brackets. But if Georgetown wins then I win and there is nothing better than winning. For those of you who are tired of me talking about sports all I have to say is get used to it because after March Madness there is baseball. And then there is my favorite sport of all futbol (soccer for you Americans) and then finally, oh finally, the NFL will be back. What a life!

How about those Eagles!

2007-03-17T13:13:00.000-07:00

Just want to give a shot out to my alma mater, Winthrop University who beat Notre Dame yesterday in the 1st round of the NCAA tournament. For those of you who don't know even though I bleed the Tennessee orange (where I went to grad school) I still gots mad love for my undergraduate school. Last year Tennessee beat Winthrop with a last minute buzzer shot and even though I was happy for the Vols, I really wanted Wintrop to win. I remember going to basketball games to watch my cousin, Tyson, play. He was the star of the team at that time and I hung out with him and the players all of the time. Mostly because Tyson was very protective and wanted to keep an eye me but also because I had crushes on several of his friends. Needless to say, I became sort of the basketball team's little sister. I even dated one of the players, H.P., for almost a year. (side note: H.P. is a bastard son of a whore because he ended up sleeping with one of my sorority sisters, but I'm not bitter or anything.) Anyway, I loved Winthrop. I had good times there and I have a feeling they are going to do really well in the rest of the tournament. I just hope they don't end up playing Tennessee again, that would put me in a tough spot once again. Go Eagles!

Bravo tutti!

2007-03-11T15:32:00.000-07:00

There are few things better than a great night at the opera. I admit that I wasn't too excited about going to Baltimore to see a student production of The Tales of Hoffman by the Peabody Opera Theatre. But I went anyway because my girl Brittany was singing a lead role and she would have had my head if I wasn't there. I am so glad I went because people, and you can quote me on this one, it was the best production I have seen ever at Peabody. This is mostly due to Garnett Bruce, the director, and some kick ass singing by the whole cast. I have to say that Peabody managed to get them great group of of singing actors this time and I (a self-proclaimed cynic and critic of the Peabody Opera Theatre) happily stood up with the rest of Freidburg Hall and gave the production a lengthy standing ovation. They most certainly deserved it and I was very proud to call my self a Peabody girl.

Ann Coulter is a ...

2007-03-06T04:59:00.000-08:00

Beeeaaatch....

The only thing worse than her calling John Edwards a faggot in front of a whole room of republicans is the fact that the bastards actually laughed and then applauded.

Oh yeah...this is after last year at the same convention of conservative assholes where she called Arabs ragheads. Good job you anarexic whore.

You gotta have them...

2007-03-05T13:09:00.000-08:00

You know I am not one to put my emotions out there, but some things were on my mind and I just had to get this out....

There is only one thing that I value like I value my family and that is my friends. My friends know that I am always there for them. I will fight for them, I will cry with them, I will do anything in my power to make sure that they are safe and well. That is why it is especially hurtful when you realize that no matter what you do for a person they will never return that. The truth is, with the exception of a few friends in my life, most of my "friends" don't call me. They don't e-mail and they don't visit. I can honestly say sometimes that I have bad days. Sometimes I cry a lot and I feel very weak (especially since moving to New York) and most of the time I just deal with it myself. But I know people who if I don't call them, I only talk to them once every blue moon and the only reason they call me is so they could unload their problems on me.

Up until now I thought that the fact that I was a good listener was a good thing. But the older I get the more I realize that I am tired of it. I am not saying that that I don't still care for those "bad-weather" friends, I am just saying that part of being a good friend returning the favor sometimes. I know that I don't voluntarily tell people my problems and that I seem to have everything together, but let me tell ya folks, simply not true. My shoulders are too heavy right with my bull shit and I am not sure how much more I can carry.

Lastly, I would like to say thank you to those who are available to me everytime I call. Who I don't have to say anything to you because you automatically know when somethings wrong. Thank you especially to my girl who I can call anytime of the day (even when she is work or out of town) and she always takes the time to listen, without judgement. She is one of the first people I call when I have good or bad news and I speak to her through e-mail or phone almost every day. Not only do I call her but she calls me. She has made this adjustment to this new city bearable by introducing me to some great new friends. She is the reason why I can finally say that I like New York. You know who you are. Just want you to know that I would seriously walk through fire for you.

Word.

TMI

2007-02-21T12:53:00.000-08:00

On another note, tonight thus begins my 40 day and 40 night lenten journey to umm...not ma....um, I mean, ....not experience.....not touch.....yeah....not experience the type of pleasure you get when you are by yourself..yeah, that's it. I am not doing that for 40 days and 40 nights. Help me Jesus!

Hope my mom doesn't read this.

It's hard knock life

2007-02-21T12:39:00.000-08:00

It never ceases to amaze me the amount of bull shit we put up with in order to pursue our line of work. We get criticized and degraded without much incentive or reward to keep on going. We are in business where at our age we expect failure and not success. Before we audition for something we are telling ourselves that we are good enough and that today is the day while at the same time cautioning and comforting ourselves with the notion that if we don't get this gig there is always next time or next year.

I received notification back in October that I had received a call back for a Verdi Requiem to be performed in May. I was really excited considering that I had not done many auditions this past season and the Verdi Requiem was something I knew well. I was informed that I would be notified a week before my time when and where my audition would be. I e-mailed a couple of times to make sure that they wouldn't forget me and they promised me that they wouldn't. But as we all know that in this game, promises don't mean damn thing. I e-mailed today and got a reply that went a little something like this:

"We notified that call-backs were on Jan. 14. I am so sorry that you were not notified and I take personal responsibility. I know how hard it is to be a soloist and I wish you the best of luck in the future"

Signed,

The bitch fucked up my good day

But, I mean, what am supposed to do. E-mail her back and tell her that as an administrator she should be on top of things a little better or let it go because someday, maybe, they will hear me sing. One of the many things that we as performers have to go through. Hopefully, someday, all of this waiting and being shit on will pay off. Maybe I will get a gig at a small regional house or win a big competition, and then maybe, just maybe, like Ms. Fleming, I can make $14,000 a night at the met. Hey, a girl could dream can't she!

3 things...

2007-02-12T17:55:00.001-08:00

1) I love John Mayer but he has lost sooooo many cool points for dating Jessica Simpson. I mean, I have nothing against her or anything, but seriously, Jessica Simpson!

2) I miss football already. My sundays are empty until soccer starts, Peyton Manning, where are you? Marry me!

3) I am pretty sure I am loosing my mind. Even the easiest tasks like remembering my way to work and not leaving my headlights on have become way to hard. Or maybe it was all the pot I smoked back in college. I don't know... where was I again....

What a game!

2007-01-22T16:08:00.000-08:00

I can not put into words how happy I am for Peyton Manning and The Colts. The truth is I am more happy for Peyton Manning than I am for the Colts. It is good to see someone so talented finally win the big game. And it couldn't have happened for to a nicer guy (Peyton went to Tennessee, my alma mater). It is weird how them winning totally made my week and it is just now started.

I love sports. It is good to have something and somebody to root for. It is healthy I think. Some people think that sports fans are a little overboard, but I think it goes much deeper than that. I love the feeling of getting lost in a game. It is good to support and be loyal to a team, no matter how good or how bad they may be. It hurt my spirit a little bit the US Men's National team did not do well in the world cup because I love those guys, but man, to see the Colts win last night was beautiful. And the way they did it was even more beautiful. They did with heart when they were 18 points down against one of the best teams ever. The greatest thing about sports is that no matter what you are going through, no matter how your day is going, you get to get away and be apart of something that is much bigger yourself. Even if it is for only a few hours. And sometimes your team looses (those are the times that suck), but man when they finally win, well..... you just can't beat that feeling.

I see the promised land.

2007-01-15T12:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry I haven't blogged for awhile but there I haven't really been inspired to write. But today I would like to encourage everyone to spare a moment and reflect on the life Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. He was a wonderful man and needless to say, I would not be the person that I am if it were not for the sacrifices that this man made. There is not much I can write about a man as prolific as Dr. King but I would like to leave you with a little bit from one of his most famous speeches and something that I keep with me always. He wrote this after getting death threats and being thrown in jail. He knew his days were numbered. He knew he was going to die but yet he kept going in spite of all that. I mean, isn't that what courage is. Having the strength to stand up and say "No more". I hope you enjoy.

" Well, I don't know what will happen now. We've got some difficult days ahead. But it doesn't matter with me now. Because I've been to the mountaintop. Longevity has it's place. But I'm not concerned about that now. I just want to do God's will. And he's allowed me to go the mountain. And I've looked over. And I've seen the promised land. I may not get there with you. But I want you to know tonight, that we, as a people, will get to the promised land. And I'm happy tonight. I'm not worried about anything. I'm not fearing any man. Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord."

God bless each and every one of you and Happy Birthday to my hero, Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Damn! I was really pulling for him too...

2006-12-06T13:19:00.000-08:00

I was really hoping against hope that they would find the father that left his family in the Oregon wilderness to look for help would be found alive. Just now the news just reported that he was found dead. Of course when this story first broke a couple of days ago I was very cynical just like everybody else. I mean, why would you take a back country road in the winter in the first place?, why would you put your two small children through that? The truth is no one knows the real story. What we do know is that a father who was trying to protect his family went to look for help and Mother Nature had another idea and took over and that's that. I never knew James Kim but I have a hunch that he was good father. He probably knew that his chances of surviving were slim to none but yet he sacrificed himself to save his family. How many of us have that much love for another person that you would sacrifice your life to save someone else. I guess that is what my Sunday school teacher was trying to teach me all of those years. Love is an amazing thing. I suspect that this will be the thought that comforts Kim family in the days of grieving ahead. Although those children will be without their father (in the flesh), they can be comforted to know that their father died so that they could live. What wonderous love indeed.

I'd like a side of energy please?

2006-11-14T14:38:00.000-08:00

OH ye Gods! Please tell me why oh why it must get dark at 4:45pm? It is just sooo depressing. I love the Sun. It is the source of life and without out I am a lazy pile of nothing. Like now, it is 5:32 and I just got home from work but my body tells me that it is eat and sleep time and I have to be at the gym for step by 6pm. I know that once I get there I will be fine but damn getting there is the battle.

In other news, I was there in Brooklyn to cheer Boccismo on to a stunning victory. I was trying to conjure up some spells to make the other team( who were very intense) fuck up, which they did thank you very much. Also, it was cool to hang out with some of my new friends like Buckett and Brian who are really cool.

Oh yeah, can't wait for thanksgiving.

Can't wait to see "For your Consideration".

Can't wait to get my next paycheck.

Okay. Must...drag...self...to....step class.

Mission Possible

2006-11-10T05:12:00.000-08:00

I am so going Nicole Ritchie on yall. Okay, how does a girl who works out religously at lease 4 times a week and who watches what she eats occasionally not loose the 20 pounds that she has gained this summer. I mean, how does that happen? I am sure Hilary feels my pain. What the F? Anyway, I am so putting myself on a very strict Weight Watchers diet. What does that mean? Well that means that instead of eating at the top of points values and all of flex points I will eating my minimum points and will only use my flex points for social things like drinking and drugs (just kidding, not about the drinking but about the drugs, what kind singer do you think I am?).

Anyway, I have a serious gig tommorow in fru fru Greenwich, CT. I am singing an all Italian recital for some hard core rich white people. I am serious, I will bet a hundred bucks that I am like, the only not white or jewish person in the whole place. Am I complaining, hell no, I am getting paid! Holla!

Baltimore nights

2006-11-06T05:26:00.000-08:00

Well, I just got back from a very eventful weekend in good B-more (where you can Be More, get it!). It was just what the doctor order after months of living hand to foot , or is it foot to mouth? I got paid from all of my jobs so I was able not only to contribute to rent this month and pay my car note, but I was also able to take a mini-break and have some much needed fun. This meant a trip to Baltimore to visit with my girls Meredith, Brittany, Jennifer, Jessica, and Corky.

Friday we went to the Olive Garden because that is where I wanted to go. I don't know why I wanted that but it was great none the less. I had two huge martinis in preparation for the next leg in our activities, The Baha Beach Club. Now this was Miss Brittany's idea and what a bad one it was. The place is so horrible it should be bombed. I had a shot and cocktail just to get through the 30 minutes that we were there. We then tried to go to the LP but they had a band and the cover was was $35, yeah right! So then we went to Max's on Broadway where I had a Resurrection or 3 and met some pretty awesome Cincinnati Bangles fans who were in town for the Ravens game. All in all it turned out to be a pretty cool night.

On Saturday, we went to see the new Borat movie. It was very funny but do not see it if you are easily offended. I met up with Cori, Javier, and Leslie for dinner at XS and some sushi and some more alcohol. Then we went to Balula in PowerPlant for more drinks and that is where we met up with Jessica. We drink a little more and danced a little but soon Jess and I had to leave for the LP. We had lots of fun but we left early because we had to sing church the next morning . Oh, and I met a cute Mexican Mormon. The trip was a much needed mini-break and it really refreshed me.

Anyway, that was my weekend.

Oh yeah, if you haven't make sure you get out and vote. You can't complain about what is going on if you don't vote. I won't push my liberal agenda but a have 3 things for you to consider:

1. Iraq
2. Katrina
3. Women's right to choose

Enough said.

Random shit.

2006-10-27T13:22:00.000-07:00

Well this is has certainly been an October to remember. I have had lots of changes this month, mainly a new, and very awesome job. The not so awesome part about the job has been that I only get paid once a month (which means I get my first paycheck this coming week). I have been living off of my savings, which ain't much, so far and that bastard that stole my identity last year decided to try again, but I caught him this time, stupid fucker. Anyway, needless to say that I have never been so poor in my life. I was supposed to go to Knoxville to sing in my friend Leslie's wedding this weekend but I can't because I have $8 in my bank account. I feel so bad. It sucks!

In other news one of my best friends ended a relationship. I think it was very brave her but I am still in a little bit shock. I mean, I always said that if they couldn't make then nobody can. Anyway, alls the best to the both of them.

I haven't blogged in a long time mostly because I don't have much to say. I have taken to talking to myself a lot which scares me but makes me laugh at the same time. On my daily commute to Queens I will catch myself seriously having a conversation with myself. I use to wonder if I was a little crazy and I have come to conclusion that I am, and that is what keeps me sane.

Obsession

2006-09-28T13:54:00.000-07:00

Okay I am obsessed. I will be an adult and admit that I am totally obsessed with a certain member of the New England Revolution and US Men's National Soccer Team. It was okay when I was admiring him from afar. It was an innocent crush that included me reading soccer blogs in my free time and cruising his website. I downloaded a couple of pictures and resigned myself to the notion that he was too young and I was acting too much like a teenager. But then something changed, an innocent comment left on his website led to him e-mailing me thanking me for my kind thoughts and advice. I e-mailed him thanking him for taking the time out of his super-star soccer status to e-mail me and thanking me. Then in a moment of confusion he wanted to call me in order to better explain his position on an argument we were having about his career path. And then the rest, as they say, was history. Is this weird? Hell yeah. Since then we talk about once a week average, only as friends. I know that on his end he sees me only as a soccer fan/friend who can give him objective, rational advice. He knows that I am older and therefore wiser. He trusts my opinion and in a lot of ways I have become a big sister (his own sister died not to long ago).

I have no problem with this except that I am totally obsessed with him. My thoughts are far from innocent. I mean he is 6'1", a good southern boy, and a very talented and passionate (God is he passionate!) soccer player, what would you think about? The Columbia singer Shakira calls Obsession "una tortura" or torture. I am torturing myself with these thoughts. These phone calls and e-mails are the most action I have seen a long time. Anyway, I am not going to pursue anything. Mostly because in my heart of hearts I know its wrong. I also know that even if he did feel the same way it would be virtually impossible being that his David Beckham like star is rapidly rising and sooner or later he is going to find his Victoria and live fabulously in Europe when he goes to play there. But most of all because even if it ever happens there is no way the real thing could ever measure up to my fantasies. I would like to keep it that way.

Feliz compleanos a ti!

2006-09-25T18:27:00.001-07:00

I just want to say Happy Birthday to my girl Jessica. Wow, I can't believe she is already 21. I am sure Jessica remembers when I took her a few years ago to her first night of salsa dancing at the Latin Palace. Who would have thought that the shy little girl from Indiana would have become the muy caliente chica that she is today. I am very proud her. Jessica has been there for me through some of my toughest times. She gave me a place to live when I was homeless. She has sent her boyfriend out in the freezing cold to help me when my car broke down and to walk me home on the dangerous Baltimore streets. And a long time ago she saved my ass big time (girl, you know what I am talking about). I don't say it enough, but I love you Jess. It is hard to find a person with a bigger heart than mi chica sexy(merengue song reference) Jessica. So...

con mucho gusto, Te amo mi amiga.

My friends call me Nikki, Kia, or MissNakia....

2006-09-23T12:05:00.000-07:00

but my students call me Professor.

signed,

Nakia Verner
Professor of Voice
Music Conservatory of Westchester
and
Brooklyn-Queens Conservatory of Music

I'm also a little excited that I call back for Opera Brooklyn and Sarasota Opera. Things are starting to look up guys.

The 10 year itch.

2006-08-28T17:41:00.001-07:00

Okay peoples, say what ya want...I am old. This weekend I am traveling to Hemingway, SC (the place of my birth) to celebrate my 10 year high school reunion and my 28th year on this planet. What the Fizz?!!! Where did the time go. I mean, honestly, I just don't feel like I am that old. 25 yes, maybe even 26, but 28..say it ain't so! My mother can't believe. She is all like, "I thought you just got out of school", and then I have to remind her that I did just get out of school, after 8 years and 3 degrees. Anyway, it dawned on me that it really is time for me to grow up. Not that I am a not a grown up but I could definitely be a better grown up.

As I look back on my life I am pretty proud of what I have accomplished. By the time my mother was my age she had four kids and husband. But I have 3 kids also (the previously mentioned 3 degrees) and I have traveled the world. I have gotten into trouble, I have loved a lot, lost a lot, hurt a lot, but gained even more. I have had some great times and experiences which has shaped me into the person that I am.

I am not really afraid of getting older. With time comes wisdom. Besides, my soon to be 32 year old big sister tells me that 30 is the new 20. I hope to Jeevus she is right.

You go girl!

2006-08-15T16:41:00.000-07:00

I just wanna give a shot out to my girl Ilah Raliegh for getting into the Orlando Opera Young Artist Program. She has proven that hard work does pay off and that some people just don't know what the fuck they are talking about. Ilah and I have been through rough times but I consider her one of my closest friends. She is very talented and she is one of the hardest workers I know. She is going to rock it when she makes her professional debut as Kate Pinkerton in Madame Butterfly. I am going to try to be there in the front row. Because of Ilah and Jondra I can honestly go tell the dumb Brit at Peabody that black girls can sing more than spirituals and can be more than old ladies and whores!

www.ilahraleigh.com

2006-08-15T10:03:00.000-07:00

Summer is....

just not my time of year. The last time I had a good summer was when I went to Rome, Italy 6 years ago(and even then it had its moments). As I read my friends blogs about their fabulous vacations and their nights of partying and forces me to think about the fact that it has been a really long time since I have had good summer, matter of fact, it is been a really long time since I have had a good time in general. Last summer was the whole "me not having a place to live so I had to sleep on my friends couches kind of summer". This summer was having to deal with crazy opera diva while waiting on an apartment and not having a job. After work, I usually just go home and watch TV or practice (which is a good thing, right? I am singing the best I have ever sung in my life).

Anyway, I am planning my very own vacation for my birthday in September. I am going drive (by myself) to Knoxville, Savannah, and end up in Charleston to visit the family and lay on the beach and do absolutely nothing for the first time in 6 years. Hopefully I will meet up with some old friends and have a good time. God knows I need it.

No time for....

2006-08-11T07:30:00.000-07:00

No time for fake ones...

That is a line from a Lil Kim song from way back when. She was talking about how fake people were a waste of time. I totally agree. No time for fake ones...

New York is full of wannabees...or as Ashley would say, those that pose. The jig is up, you are not Carrie from "Sex in the City. Hilary sent me this excerpt from something she read that got me thinking..

Wannabe Carrie Bradshaw (WBC) - This is that chick that believes she's the first single woman to live in NY. Ever. Being a female, single New Yorker is inherently interesting in and of itself apparently, so WBC doesn't need to bring anything else to the table, like a personality. Never mind that the Sex and the City women had caustic wit, strongly defined personalities and sharp observational humor while the WBC just has a vacant stare, shoes she can't afford and a love of cosmos and candy-flavored martinis. She's obviously just as fascinating as they are and nothing you tell her is going to convince her otherwise. And oh yeah, the WBC probably has a blog to bore you with every excruciating detail if her latest bad date. Or a J-Date page. Outside of Larry, White Dade and IJC, there really isn't enough blog scorn sent toward these chicks.

Okay guys, there is one thing I hate more than regulary bitches and that is unoriginal bitches. I can't have anything to do with people like this. BE ORIGINAL. I will not sell out to the machine that is Cosmo, Vogue, and Glamour (Fuck them, they never put people that look like on the cover). Anyway, get a real life and the next time you get in my way on the train because you can't walk too fast in your fake Jimmy Choo's, I am going to take your fake coach bag and ram it down your anorexic throat.

Hilary, can I get an AMEN?

2006-08-07T12:42:00.000-07:00

Burnnn.....

So I didn't get the AVON job. Just a little sad since they were the ones that got my hopes up and asked to interview me. Oh well, thems be the breaks. I find it completely amazing how these things work. I guess I failed to impress the powers that be at Avon. Fuck'em all.

2006-08-02T06:17:00.000-07:00

Molding young minds..

As much as I complain about teaching I must say that I love it. Moving to New York I fully expected to find a teaching job and do what I was doing when I was in Baltimore, except doing it a little less. Well my peoples I have faced yet another dilema....to teach not to teach. I have basically been offered a desk job at Avon. My title would be something like...Regional Training Coordinator which I find hilarious because I have never regionally coordinated a thing in my life. Teaching is comfortable for me. I know what I am doing and I am good at it. This Avon job is something so new and to be quite honest, I am little scared. I always said that if I were to do administration it would have to be something in the arts. But in order to be an arts administrator they want you have like a bazillion years of arts administrative experience. They don't even consider that fact that I have been in arts education all my life. So folks, what should I do? I already have one part-time teaching job lined up and I have an interview for another part time job tomorrow. I could probably do okay with them both. I promised myself that I would not kill myself by teaching so much that I have no time for anything else. Will this job at Avon drive me crazy because? At least with teaching I was doing something musical. Ay di madre!

2006-07-28T08:20:00.000-07:00

Lance Bass(sp) is a Homo!

Noooo....I wonder what tipped them off. The frosted highlights that are in his hair or the fact that we have never seen with girl....I'm sorry, this is not front page news. I have a friend that went to high school with him and they totally made out. Kudos to my friend (let's call him Bevin) for making out with somebody who has actually touched fine Justin Timberlake.

Oh yeah, Lance's boyfriend is way hot!

2006-07-25T10:52:00.000-07:00

You know what doesn't suck?

Buying a cell phone charger that at Sprint would cost a wopping $43.58 cents from a street vendor for $5.00.

Niiiiiiice!

2006-07-25T08:31:00.000-07:00

You know what sucks?

I'll tell you what sucks, hitting your 2005 toyota corolla with a big u-haul truck. Yes, you've got it, I have won the dunce award for the year. How does one bash in the driver's side of their own pretty new car. Well, by driving a 17 foot truck into it. My mother wonders where all of her hard earned money that sent me through 8 years of school went. I swear, I have no words to describe what an idiot I am. My poor, sweet, innocent car has been through so much since I bought it. What's that floating way up in the sky above the sun? It is a bird, it's a plane, no...it's my insurance premium!

2006-07-06T12:28:00.000-07:00

Sorry Charlies....

for not blogging for a long time but the past week has been sort of crazy. After I finished the Scotto Academy(I am so happy it is over!) I had to go back to Baltimore to clean out my apartment and prepare for the move to New York. Most of you that I have the worst apartment luck. My sister and I won't be able to move into our new aparment in Harlem until July 15 which means that my clothes are stuck in Baltimore in storage and I am stuck sleeping on my sister's couch in Brooklyn. To add insult to injury, while preparing to go to Atlantic City for Independence day my family and I visited with my Aunt in the Bronx. I woke up on the 4th of July to the sight of my car windows broken and a lot of shit being gone. Yeah, it really happened. Sooo....you would think that this would have my spirits down. I mean, it sucks that I literaly have no clothes and they took my sheets and some of my DVD's. It sucks that I still haven't found a job in NYC and that my sister must really want to die because she keeps bothering the hell out of me. But I am not, because through this awful thing that we call summer, God has given something that totally makes everything else okay.

World Cup Soccer.

Now, I am sure you have had enough of Jessica, Hilary, and I talking about how great it is but I have to say, it is the best shit I have ever seen. I mean, I love college basketball. I never thought anything would take it's place but the sight of hot guys kicking a ball and jumping all over each other is simply a girls greatest dream. Oh yeah, the atheletics of it all is pretty awesome. Even though they didn't too well in the World Cup, I've got mad love for the US Men's Soccer team. They are actually rather good and don't get nearly the amount of respect they deserve. My favorite player, Clint "Deuce" Dempsey, plays for the New England Revolution and I can't wait until they play the New York Red Bulls. Hilary and I are sooooo there!My sister has indulged me and ordered the Fox Soccer Chanel to keep me happy. 24 hours of men from all over the world playing soccer. I think I may never look for another job again.

2006-06-19T12:11:00.000-07:00

A dose of reality.....

I just found out that one of my classmates from school died this weekend. Nathan (we called him "Jimmy") and I were in school together since the 3rd grade. He was always the sick kid. He had juvenile diabetes. I remember him always having to bring his lunch to school, even in high school. Although I do remember him sneaking in a snickers bar or a bag of chips to lunch period every blue moon our senior year. He was incredibly smart. I think he graduated second in our class. He was a nice kid. He was quite popular for a kid who didn't play any sports, was sick most of the time, and made straight A's. I think I saw him once or twice since we have graduated so it's not like we were great friends. But I am still very sad. He was a good southern boy. You know the kind that open doors for girls and pulled out chairs. I remember Jimmy being one of the only white kids who helped us protest when we wanted the confederate flag down from the state house, which meant that he was brave. I always knew he was sick. Never thought he would die before his 28th birthday and ourt 10 year high school reunion. I found out about my diabetes when I was 17 and to tell you the truth I haven't taken the disease as seriously as I should. But now I will never look at piece of candy the same.

Anyways, I am going to miss you Jimmy. But now you are home. You are in a place where you don't have take insulin shots three times a day or think twice before eating a twinkie. You will never have to feel like you are going pass out again or throw up because your body is not strong enough to process food. You never have to check your blood sugar levels with those painful needles anymore. No more sickness. No more pain. No more tears. You stood at the river waiting for God to take your hand, and he did. He guided your feet and held your hand until you got to the other side. Now you are watching over us with him and all the angels.

Requeim aeternam, dona eis, Domine, et lux perpetua luceat eis.

2006-06-14T10:51:00.000-07:00

Learning and growing.....

This is going to sound cheesy but....I have never learned and grown so much as I have in the past 2 weeks at the Scotto Academy. It is not easy and damn it is hard work but it is working. I am making lots of breakthroughs vocally and emotionally. Ms. Scotto is very Italian which means that she is extremely honest but always nice. She gives you the tough information. You know the information that a teacher that you have been studying with for years fails to tell you because she doesn't notice or she doesn't want to hurt your feelings. As hard as it is I must say that it is exactly what I need.

2006-06-13T15:30:00.000-07:00

Get over yourself....

Okay, I don't get people who think that they are the only ones with issues. You know those people who are like, "I realize that I am fucked up so in an effort to make myself feel better I am going to assert my issues on everyone around me". Fuck you! I am sorry if you had sucky childhood, mine wasn't great either. I am sorry that you find it hard to trust people, everybody does. There is a certain person I know in a certain program that I am in who is just like this. I also know other people who are this way. I just want to scream at them "EVERYTHING ISN'T ABOUT YOU!!!!!!". I mean, if I walk by you without saying hello it doesn't necessarily mean that I hate you it just means that I gotta pee real bad and you are just in my fucking way. If you are being obnoxius around other people and I nicely tell you that are a little to loud it is not the opportunity for you to practice the advice from your self-help books or your therapist and tell me to "stop judging you". "Stop judging you". Fuck you, stop being an asshole. I hate that shit. My mother used to say that "Everybody's blues ain't like yours". My issues are my issues and your issues are your issues. If I walk by a group of friends who are going to movies I might wonder why they didn't call me but I am not going autimatically assume that the reason that they didn't call is because they hate me or that they are being mean. Maybe they forgot or maybe it is not that big of a fucking deal. Deal with it. Everyone doesn't have to grovel at your oh so pretty pedicured feet. All of us are fucked up and our own ways. If you have emotional problems deal with them your self and don't practice your bullshit on me or I am going practice some of my own passive aggressiveness on you and knock you the fuck out. Nuff said!

2006-06-07T16:49:00.000-07:00

Fighter

As all of my musician friends know: this business is not for the weak. You have to be super tough and have to ability to take criticism. I learned that a long time ago but it for some reason it hasn't gotten any easier. The Scotto academy is going well but it is not anything like I thought it would be. I am not going to go into details but let's just say that Ms. Kia is being tested in a mighty way. Anywhoos I have taken to repeating affirmations so that I can stay positive and sing my best despite that negativity that I am being fed everyday. I am not a big Christina Aguillera fan but there is something about her song "Fighter" that makes me want to kick ass. This is both my and Jennifer's favorite song to do in Body Step. I am not going to post the lyrics to the whole song but here is what she sings in the chorus. I think that we could all relate.

It makes me that much stronger.
Makes me work a little bit harder,
It makes me that much wiser,
So thanks for making me a fighter,
Made me learn a little bit faster,
Made my skin a little bit thicker,
Makes me that much smarter,
So thanks for making me a fighter!

2006-06-05T15:26:00.000-07:00

I am so not a New Yorker...

I am country girl through and through. Not there is anything wrong with being a New Yorker I am just not one, at least not yet. My older sister has been here for over 4 years and she has totally changed into one. Forgive me, but I simply can not imagine me being one. I don't like to honk my horn at people for no reason and I don't like to walk in front cars that may kill me. I hate, hate, hate, hate traffic. I hate potholes. I hate subways. Did I mention that I hate traffic? But despite all that, I do love New York. So I guess I will just think of myself as a Carolina girl who lives in this big city. I am okay with that.

2006-05-30T19:52:00.000-07:00

Coloratura? Ha. Yeah right!

Today was first day at the Scotto Academy. It was..um...ugg.....very, very interesting. First of all there are only 14 of us in the program in which I am the youngest...again. I was very nervous but luckily I did not puke. I had to sing in front of everyone while Ms. Scotto talked very loudly to the coaches about what kind of rep they thought I should be singing. After I finished a slightly rendition of "Chi il bel Sogno" Ms. Scotto announced to me and the rest of the room that my breath support sucks (well she didn't say "suck") and that I should put the Puccini away. Well, I wasn't that hurt being that I don't sing much Puccini anyway. So anyways after our 2 hour siesta/lunch break I had to come back for my lesson with her. She made me sing the Countess and totally ripped me apart. I wanted to cry but I could feel my brain getting bigger and voice become clearer with each piece of advice the woman gave. She is Italian so her delivery is not really sympathetic but the women knows her shit.

Anyway, after an hour she and one my coaches decided that this summer I will work on Mozart (duh...not surprised) and get this.....Bellini and Donizetti. Excuseeeeeeemoi? I have been told many things but I have never gotten that. Yes, my people, I will be learning the role of Adina in L'elizir d'amore. Apparently even though I will never be casted as Adina it will force me to breath and my coloratura is good enough that I could handle it. According to Ms. Scotto it is good first step to the Verdi that I will sing later. Whatever...I will see how the chips fall. Meanwhile I gotta go practice my coloratura . Hilary, Any pointers?

2006-05-27T14:58:00.000-07:00

The breeze on my neck.

I just cut about 6 inches off of my hair. It is the shortest it has ever been in my whole entire life. About 4 years I started loosing my hair, mostly on one side, due to illness and stress. What resulted is that when it finally started to grow again one side became much longer than the other side. I have had lop-sided hair simply because I refused to cut it even. I mean, when I was a kid I had hair down my back. My mother said that I was born with so much hair that the nurses nick-named me "cousin IT" like from the Adam's family.

While I really like my new hair cut I do miss my hair. I feel like I have lost big part my life. I know it is weird but I want my long hair back. Let's see how fast it grows and if it does not grow fast enough we will have to do something about it. You know my motto: If you can't grow it, buy it!

2006-05-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

Treadmill guy...

Okay, I promise this is the last post about he weird guy on the treadmill. Today, Jennifer was driving to the airport to pick up Jondra and she saw the weird guy. He had on black and as usually he was walking like he was running from the police. Much hilarious.

2006-05-22T05:56:00.000-07:00

Starting to Freak Out!

Okay. I leave for the Scotto Academy in New York next week. I will coming back and forth between New York and Baltimore for a couple of weeks because of work. I am starting to really get nervous. Those of you who know me understand that I rarely freak out before I sing. In fact, it is the complete opposite. I enter this weird, zen-like state of mind where I feel like whatever happens just happens. But the last time I sang for Ms. Scotto I freaked out so bad I cried in front of her. So my friends please send good, calming thoughts my way so that I will not puke the next time I see her. That would suck!

2006-05-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

Sad endings.

Church choir has cost me tomiss good programing on Thursday nights for the past 4 years. Last night I got home early enough to watch the final episode of "Will and Grace". I haven't watched in awhile so I didn't follow plot lines very well but it was a good episode. I remember watching that show when it first started and I looked forward to it everytime. It was the show that helped my brother (who was not very tolerant when it came to homosexuality) realize that alternative lifestyles were okay. I think I can safely say that the show made entertainment history. Can't wait till I can buy all the seasons on DVD. Oh, did you hear the great duet of 'Unforgettable" by Jack and Karen? Priceless.

2006-05-15T09:53:00.000-07:00

It's not me, it's you!

Okay, so life has been crazy and I have been a little more high strung then usual. This is mostly because I have entered crunch time with my job. It is the end of the year and that means school plays, orchestra concerts, and year-end evaluations. I am a little more than stressed but everything is made better by the fact that I am going to be done in 2 weeks. That means done with the prison that is the Peabody Prep and done with the Anne Arundel County Music Resource Office.

Being that things are winding the down the kids are getting extra crazy and the teachers are getting even crazier. I hear lots of yelling and kids are being referred to principal all the time. Being around all of this I can't help but be a little edgy. This is compounded by the fact that Renee (a.k.a. the spawn of Satan) has absolutely no respect for me and continues to make out with girls in front of me like it doesn't even matter. I guess to him it doesn't matter. It shouldn't matter to me. I mean, what the F? I would never do that to an ex. Even if they were an asshole to me.

This happened on Friday night and I was just not in the mood for it. Anybody who knows me know that I am passive-aggresive. I recognize this fact about me and I own it in any possible way. I rather be passive-aggresive than be just passive or just aggressive. The aggresive side came out Friday night when his stupidity became to much and it made me realize just how stupid I have been when it comes to this stupid boy. Anyway, I am ready to be in NYC. It will be a good change.

Yeah, this blog makes absolutely no sense at all. I will probably delete it.

2006-05-12T05:58:00.000-07:00

Today he wore black.

That guy I told you about yesterday with the treadmill was out again today and he was really working hard. I still don't get it. On Monday I will slow down and take a picture and post it because it is just too weird.

Oh, I am muy excited because I get my hair relaxed today by my hair stylist from Trinidad. She really knows how to deal with my hybrid European slash African hair. I tried to deal with my kinky curls but it is just to much and she promised to work it out. I totally love her and she makes everything sound so funny. She was trying to get me to wear my hair natural but the Afro look is just not working for me. I have broken two combs in the past week and it is just getting crazy. By tonight I will have $80 dollars worth of straight hair. Huraah! Jessie, fancy a drink?

2006-05-11T05:47:00.000-07:00

Mr. Baltimore

As I was driving home last night from an impossibly long day at work I saw Mr. Baltimore himself, the one and only John Waters. Being that I was half asleep I thought that maybe my imagination was playing with me. But after I slapped myself a couple of times and pulled the car over and I realized that yes, it was him. He was everything I imagined him to be. He was on his way to see a play at Center Stage. Hot!

Also, this morning as I was driving to work on Greene Street about to get on I-295 I saw the strangest thing. A man walking on a treadmill that was in a vacant lot totally visible to anyone walking by. I mean, did he live in the next house an didn't have room for the treadmill so he thought he would put on the sidewalk? He was really into it too. It was almost like he was training for a marathon. Plus, he had on a very green track suit. The funny part was that people just walked by like it wasn't unusual. Well, it is Baltimore. Anything can happen here.

2006-05-09T06:13:00.000-07:00

F@##$^^&***((())))*(**&^%$#@##&&*((((&^CK!

I am amazed by the total lack compassion some people have in this business. Here I am getting all prepared for my fun filled, singing intensive summer when BOOM!, someone rains on my freakin parade! I called AIMS to tell them that I would be coming this summer when the administrator/bitch says "Oh...I am sorry. We already gave your position away." Um...Excuse me...WHAT! Okay, how can this happen you might ask. Well, let me tell you..

The bitch (I am sure she is not bitch, but I am pissed) e-mailed me last week to ask me to confirm my attendance. I then replied to e-mail that I was going to attend that I would send my deposit next week after I have my benefit recital which was this past Saturday. The bitch said she never got my e-mail and when she hadn't heard from me she gave my position to someone on her waiting list. Of course I was pissed and being that I am passive agressive and I had been holding a lot of frustration I was nice but firm to her on the phone and she could tell that I was pissed. I don't really feel that bad because she should have said in her e-mail that if I had not replied that she would give my position away. This is bull shit! I had just gotten off the phone with mi madre and she had just agreed to pay for my filght. I was really looking forward to a summer in Austria.

Anyway, the bitch said that she would let me know if something opened up and that she was really sorry because they really liked my voice and I was perfect for their rep this summer. The bitch also said that they would hold my scholarship until next summer. I guess the bitch and her bitches on staff didn't like me that much because if they did, I would be in Austria in July. Bitches!

2006-05-04T08:32:00.000-07:00

Freaky!

It is absolutely freaky that Robert and I are posting about mostly the same thing. Robert says that he is a rock snob and I agree. I also know that Robert has the best taste in music of any person I know. I mean he has anybody from Nine Inch Nails to Aretha Franklin in his I-pod. I say he has a right to be a little snobby especially when there is so much utter crap out there.

I am sort of a music snob too. I always tell people that I have old audio tapes of Dave Matthews before any of his studio albums from back in 90 and 91 and there is no way they can truly understand what his music is all about unless you have been with him from the beginning. I feel very proud of that since Dave is my favorite even if he is mainstream. I listen to a wide range of things and I like to think that I have really good taste. In order for music to get my attention it has to rock (nine inch nails), vibe (maxwell, india arie, floetry, erika badu, donnel jones), get me dancing (kylie monogue, Jay Z, Madonna, DanceHall) be funky (parliamen funkadelic, what more can I say), and most of all inspire (classical music). I think that music feeds the soul and expresses things that sometimes just words can't.

What prompted this you might ask. Well, I did the unthinkable and watched American Idol on Tuesday night. Now, usually I do watch the beginning of the series when it shows clips of the hopeless fools that think they are talented. I mean, there is simply not better television than this. But it usually stops there. I don't care to hear the many versions of "I will always love you" or what song is on the pop charts by Mariah "skank" Carey. As I watched last night I realized that in order to be in the show and win you have to loose every ounce of individuality. I mean, I know you always have the rocker dude who is trying to stay close their roots but seriously, if you were all about rock would you be singing a creed song with acoustic guitar on national tv. Uggghhh. And what bugs me the most is that people actually buy the American Idol CD's and all that shit. I mean, I have to say I do like Fantasia and I will even sing a long with a Kelli Clarkson song but I totally feel guilty for doing so.

Everybody is not going to like everything. My music taste are very diverse and I am actually pretty accepting of most things. But the next person that tells me that Jessica Simpson can really sing simply because she screams to the top of her lungs I swear I am going to stab them.

2006-04-28T05:45:00.000-07:00

Inspired by Jessica's baby blog.....

I have always wanted children. I love children, even the snotty nosed, disrespectful, yo mamma joking, annoying ones. (There is a kid at one the schools that I work with that always talks about people's mammas) Children also love me. I still keep in touch with children that I even taught 6 years ago during my student teaching. As much as I love being a singer I know that it is not a mistake that I am also a good teacher. I know this is because that there is a chance that I may not be able to have children. Not that I can't conceive but the doctors think that my body may not be able to handle it because of my diabetes. Now, I am not in any health trouble but I don't know when it will take a turn for the worst and if it does then children are unlikely. Simply because I might put myself and the child at risk. I have always known that I would adopt, even if God blesses me with a healthy child of my own. I actually am thinking about doing it pretty soon. Probably the next 5 or 6 years. My clock has been ticking since I was 17. I actually see myself having children before I find a husband. How weird!

Anyway, I have been researching adoption for quite some time and it amazes me how difficult it is to adopt from the United States but you can basically walk into Guatemala on Sunday and have a kid or two by Friday. I mean, I understand that there are procedures and it is a very delicate process but there so many unwanted children here in our own country that stay in the system for 18 years. I don't get it. If you haven't watched "The Antwon Fischer Story" then you should. It is directed by and stars Denzel Washington (hubba, hubba) and it shows how horrible the system is.

The point is my chances of adopting in the US are slim to none. I mean, I am single with a illness. I think I may pull a Brangelina and head to the motherland. At least the kid will look like me. But I heard that it is even harder there.

2006-04-27T05:59:00.000-07:00

By God, she's right!

Remember when I told you guys that Renata Scotto told me that I should take it easy or else I was going to kill myself. Well, I think it has finally sunk in. It is important to note that I made the decision about 2 weeks ago that I was finally moving to New York do that thing that we all move there to do. Anyway, let me give you my schedule from yesterday. Here goes:

6am-Wake up
7am-leave for work
8:15am-Start work by traveling to 3 schools observing and evaluating and teaching example lessons followed by question/answer sessions
3:30-leave for Peabody
4:00pm-teach my incredibly brilliant but extremely ADHD student piano
4:30-teach group piano to a set of quadruplets who would rather be playing soccer, beating each other up, or climbing mountains than taking piano from a piano teacher/opera singer who takes music teaching way to seriously(yeah, i am talking about me)
6:00pm-leave for an extra church rehearsal(we are doing the Brahm's requiem so he scheduled not only Thurday rehearsal but also a Wednesday one)
6-7:30pm-spend one hour and a half on the dreaded Baltimore beltway which in turn makes me 30 minutes late fior my rehearsal
7:30-10pm-Brahm's requires that I never breath and singing everything in my passagio at an incredibly slow tempo after a 11 hour day of teaching, it was not accomplished.
10:30pm-finally home but am drawn in by a concert performance of South Pacific staring Alec Baldwin and Reba McIntire. What!
11:30-finally, Bed!

Now, I am back at work and very tired and can not wait to go to New York, get a part-time job, and sing. I love teaching but I need a break. Oh yeah, I am really pissed that I couldn't go salsa dancing with Ilah and Jess. I will not be able to go dancing for a while because I have so much singing coming up. This is just not working for me, but I am not complaining. (Am I?)

2006-04-21T05:38:00.000-07:00

Am I a hater?

I usually take pride in the fact that I am an individual and I try to conform to what "society" wants me to be. I have said this over and over again so I will not say it again. But I have to say, most people get on my nerves. People on TV, people who I work with, people that I drive with on the road, people that I see at the gym. I find my self saying bad things about these people and most of them, I don't even know them. I damn the cute little surburban blonde girls that wear cuffed jeans and petal pushers and tank tops that work at the school that I work at. I wish death on the people that I find myself stuck with in traffic on I-295 on my morning and afternoon commute. I throw stuff at the TV when I see a commercial for the OC, or One Tree Hill, or when I see that Access Hollywood has the latest scoop on what color thong Paris Hilton has on (God Damn it I hate that girl, stupid bitch). My point is, why is it that I find the need to criticize and yes, judge these people?

I was talking to my little sister who is the authority on urban behavior and advice and she suggested that I might be have a mild form of "hateritus" or I might be a "hater". I am totally offended by things and people that I can't identify with therefore I believe that they stupid and I am better than them. Well, I wouldn't go that far. I mean, I do believe that those people and things are stupid but I don't believe that I am better than them. I also know that I am always nice to everyone I meet and almost always take it back and ask God for forgiveness whenever I damn a person or curse them. That's got be worth something. Shit, I hope I don't go to hell. Damn I miss Hilary and Robert.

2006-04-20T07:03:00.000-07:00

At least he gave me a good voice.

Whenever I get into an emotional funk, I always try to look on the bright side. I try to think of all the wonderful things that are going for me and that usually puts me in a better. So when I think of the fact that I am totally inivisible to opposite sex and haven't had a boyfriend in YEARS and that every man I meet seems interested in everything else but me, I try to think of these things.

I have really healthy hair.
I have a family that is not only funny and entertaining, but they also love me unconditionally. Go figure!
I am very wordly.
When I dream I dream in color and not in black and white.
I am rational.
I do well in almost everything I do because "failure is not an option".
I am a ROCKIN salsa dancer.
I have good taste in music.
I fight for what's right and just.
I am a hard worker which has made me blessed in the long run.
As opposed to those who are still searching, I have a good understanding of myself. That is worth a whole lot.

Yeah, I am bragging but fuck you if you don't agree.

2006-04-13T17:17:00.000-07:00

Food for the soul...

I love good music. I am talking about the music that gets into your skin and you can never get it out of your system. Of course I love classical music. There is something about Strauss and Verdi that gets to me. But lately I have been gettin into some really good stuff. My favorite album right now is "O" by Damien Rice. Everybody should own this album. There is a song for every mood and the man is an unbelievable song writer. But for years there has been this song that I couldn't get it out of my head. I first heard it in the movie "Crazy/Beautiful" which stars Kirsten Dunst the hot Mexican actor Jay Hernandez, but I could never figure out who sang the song. The tune stuck with me. It sounded a little like Bob Dillon but I searched the internet for his songs and could not find this one. Anyway, I was watching the incredibly cheesy teeny bopper movie "Girl Next Door"(which I actually enjoyed) and I heard again. I finally found the title and artist. It is the fabulous David Gray. I have loved David Gray for years and I couldn't believe I didn't know it was him. So I have found another meloncholy album to add to my Damien Rice, Cold Play, Maxwell, and other musicians that make you think with words collection. Here are the lyrics to the song "This Year's Love". I hope they touch you like they have touched me.

This years love had better last
Heaven knows it's high time
I've been waiting on my own too long
But when you hold me like you do
It feels so right ah nowI start to forget
How my heart gets torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Feeling like yuh can't go on
Turning circles and time again
It cut like a knife oh now
If you love me got to know for sure'
Cause it takes something more this time
Than sweet sweet lies oh now
Before I open up my arms and fall
Losing all control
Every dream inside my soul
When you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so years love had better last
This years love had better last
Cause whose to worry
If our hearts get torn
When that hurt gets thrown
Don't yuh know this life goes on
Won't you kiss me
On that midnight street
Sweep me off my feet
Singing ain't this life so sweet
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
This years love had better last
Woah ah yea
This years love had better last

2006-04-13T07:07:00.000-07:00

Good news!

In black churches there is a saying which is: "God is good all the time and all the time God is good." This is so true. By the grace of God I will be studying with Renata Scotto this summer. After that horrible audition and the horrible way I cried, she still accepted me. Or maybe she accepted me because I cried. Either way, I am very happy. I am a firm believer in prayer. And I prayed for this one so I just simply want to tell God thank you. So....Thank You God.

2006-04-07T05:36:00.000-07:00

VIVA TO THE DIVA!

We have all had those auditions where we have sucked the big one. Being a young singer means falling on your face many times until one day, you do the perfect audition for the right person and you get the great gigs. The times that you fall on your face, you usually pick yourself right up and go on the next auditions. Then there are the times you fall on your face and you begin to question your talent and what the heck you are doing. Yesterday, was a fall on your face in front of one of the the greatest opera divas in the world and wonder what the heck are doing kind of audition.

Yesterday I auditioned for Renata Scotto to become of her students this summer. All of my opera friends know how big of deal this is. I had been given glowing recommendations by my teachers and coachings and all I had to do is go prove to her that everything they said was true. I woke up yesterday morning normally (I rarely get nervous for auditions, I am very blessed by that). I knew it was going to be a hard day because I had to work in the morning and then drive to New York for audition. When I began to warm up I knew that the voice was not rightly placed but I figured I just needed time. As I am driving to NYC I am trying to warm up in the car and my voice is not getting better but it is not horrible. I figured I would sound better once I was able to warm up in someplace other than my car. I got to New York, got dressed, and started to warm up and I realized that my voice was not going to work for me that day. We have all had these moments. For no reason at all our voice decide that "today is not going to be your day". Now, I am starting to get nervous. Now I am starting to realize how big of deal this is and I start to literally freak out. It is time for me to go sing and I walk into the room and there she is...Renata Scotto. I start to cry. I cried because I realized that this could be the big break I was waiting on. I cried because I knew that I was going suck and there was nothing I could do about in that moment. I cried because I was tired and scared. She looked at me with her diva look and just walked up to me and gave me hug. She hugged me for about 5 minutes until I calmed down. She asked my age and I told her and she said that I looked like I was baby, 21 at the oldest, and that made me laugh. She asked me what I was going sing, I said "non mi dir" a.k.a. the hardest aria ever written (why oh why? did I choose this?). The pianist was off, and I sucked. She talked to me and asked me to sing something easier and I chose "Porgi Amor". I sucked less but it was not my best. She asked who my teacher was and what I did for a living. I could tell that she liked me but I could also tell that she pitied me. An audition that was supposed to last 10 minutes ended up lasting 30. She talked to me and told me that I had a lovely voice but it sounded tired and that she was worried that my work load along with my diabetes was going to kill me before I ever got chance to have a career. She told me everything I didn't want to hear but I needed to hear. I cried on her shoulder for about 15 minutes because I knew she was telling the truth and I knew that there was little I could do about it. "I gotta work" I told her "I am the only person that takes care of me. If I don't work, I don't have insurance which means no insulin and no doctor, then I really will die". She then said in a very Italian accent "Maybe we find nice rich man to take care of you so you could sing". That made me laugh.

Basically it boils down to this, the hope that I had of studying with Ms. Scotto has gone to hell. She didn't tell me no but she didn't tell me yes. I am at a crossroads once again. I know that I have to do something but I don't know what it is. I am thinking of quitting my job and going to Europe or going to South Carolina so that I can rest. Or maybe I will move to New York with my sister and accept her charity for a little while. Maybe I will stay in Baltimore and cut down my work load and hopefully something will happen. I don't know. But I do know that I met one the kindest, friendliest, most giving people yesterday. And although I sounded like a mean cat and I feel like my life is over, I wouldn't trade that experience for the world.

2006-03-28T06:27:00.000-08:00

Langston Hughes: Let America Be America Again

It saddens how little children are taught about African-American History in this Country. When I was in school in the 80's we had one section on Black History and it was about 3 pages long. We got an overview of Harriet Tubman and the underground railroad, a little about Martin Luther King, Jr., and we were expected to realize our true potential because of the full 10 minutes we spent discussing this. I didn't learn about people like Malcolm X, Marcus Garvey, or Fredrick Douglas until I got to college and decided that I barely knew myself and my history. I mean, I am all for a one America and knowing that we are all the same even different and all of the other hippie philosophy. But the truth is I come from a people that went through hell and I am a product of all of their hard work.

I get really depressed when I come to work and I have to deal with discipline problems of my 5th graders, almost all of them black. As much as I hate to admit it, I know that these kids will probably end up selling drugs or doing them. I tell them "Do you know where you came from?, Do you know what kind of blood runs through your veins?". They have no idea what I am talking about. They don't know that people were lynched, beaten, and killed all because they wanted the same rights as everyone else. They don't know that their ancestors were stolen from their prosperous homeland and brought to North and South America, shackeled and chained, had their families torn apart, treated like animals, raped, all so this country could be rich. I tell them that there would be no America if it weren't for the slaves. I tell them to be respect what they are made of and despite their circumstances, they can rise above it and be better people. Most of these kids have never had black role model that actually cares. I have been at this job for 3 months and it is finally starting to click.

The other day a student of mine, Stephanie, came up to me and ask me about Langston Hughes. You see, Stephanie is Domincian (just like my mother) and was never raised to believe that she had African heritage. You see, people in Latin America culture the slave influence was just as big, if not bigger and over half of Latin American people have significant African blood. Think...Sammy Sosa or Zoe Saldana or Derick Jeter or ARod fromt he New York Yankees. I was shocked and touched that she wanted to learn about this part of herself. It sparked an idea of mine. This children will learn the history of this country, not just black history, but also latin american history and native american history and irish american history. They will learn who they are. I don't know how long I will be at this job but while I am here, I will try to give them the tools so that maybe one day they will know that They too are American.

Let America Be America Again By Langston Hughes

Let America be America again. Let it be the dream it used to be. Let it be the pioneer on the plain Seeking a home where he himself is free.
(America never was America to me.)
Let America be the dream the dreamers dreamed-- Let it be that great strong land of love Where never kings connive nor tyrants scheme That any man be crushed by one above.
(It never was America to me.)
O, let my land be a land where Liberty Is crowned with no false patriotic wreath, But opportunity is real, and life is free, Equality is in the air we breathe.
(There's never been equality for me, Nor freedom in this "homeland of the free.")
Say, who are you that mumbles in the dark? And who are you that draws your veil across the stars?
I am the poor white, fooled and pushed apart, I am the Negro bearing slavery's scars. I am the red man driven from the land, I am the immigrant clutching the hope I seek-- And finding only the same old stupid plan Of dog eat dog, of mighty crush the weak.
I am the young man, full of strength and hope, Tangled in that ancient endless chain Of profit, power, gain, of grab the land! Of grab the gold! Of grab the ways of satisfying need! Of work the men! Of take the pay! Of owning everything for one's own greed!
I am the farmer, bondsman to the soil. I am the worker sold to the machine. I am the Negro, servant to you all. I am the people, humble, hungry, mean-- Hungry yet today despite the dream. Beaten yet today--O, Pioneers! I am the man who never got ahead, The poorest worker bartered through the years.
Yet I'm the one who dreamt our basic dream In the Old World while still a serf of kings, Who dreamt a dream so strong, so brave, so true, That even yet its mighty daring sings In every brick and stone, in every furrow turned That's made America the land it has become. O, I'm the man who sailed those early seas In search of what I meant to be my home-- For I'm the one who left dark Ireland's shore, And Poland's plain, and England's grassy lea, And torn from Black Africa's strand I came To build a "homeland of the free."
The free?
Who said the free? Not me? Surely not me? The millions on relief today? The millions shot down when we strike? The millions who have nothing for our pay? For all the dreams we've dreamed And all the songs we've sung And all the hopes we've held And all the flags we've hung, The millions who have nothing for our pay-- Except the dream that's almost dead today.
O, let America be America again-- The land that never has been yet-- And yet must be--the land where every man is free. The land that's mine--the poor man's, Indian's, Negro's, ME-- Who made America, Whose sweat and blood, whose faith and pain, Whose hand at the foundry, whose plow in the rain, Must bring back our mighty dream again.
Sure, call me any ugly name you choose-- The steel of freedom does not stain. From those who live like leeches on the people's lives, We must take back our land again, America!
O, yes, I say it plain, America never was America to me, And yet I swear this oath-- America will be!
Out of the rack and ruin of our gangster death, The rape and rot of graft, and stealth, and lies, We, the people, must redeem The land, the mines, the plants, the rivers. The mountains and the endless plain-- All, all the stretch of these great green states-- And make America again!

2006-03-24T11:25:00.000-08:00

Me...a masochist? Nooooo!

Me thinks I am. The definition of a masochist is this:

someone who obtains pleasure from receiving punishment

Now, I don't mean I am a masochist in the physical sense. I am not into that freaky spank me with chains and wips scene. But I realize that I get some sick pleasure out of receiving emotional punishment. I have come to the harsh realization that somehow I get off on being emotional beaten. I use to think that I allowed people in my life who have lots of emotional issues because I was a person who was strong enough to deal with. And to a certain extent I still believe this, but....why am I continously attracted to men who have absolutely no interest in me except for friendship or their own personal gain?

Every boyfriend that I have ever had, except for the fabulous Geff, has cheated on me. A couple of them cheated on me and I stayed with them anyway. One of them got a girl pregnant and acted like it was no big deal. One cheated on me with my best friend and sorority sister. When I confronted him about it he replied "What? I am man, that is what we are supposed to do." No, I didn't stay with him. It was after him that I became officially off men. I have been content to be single ever since. Some of this is because I am simply too fucking busy to have a relationship but it is mostly because I have the hardest time finding a guy that respects and likes me as much as I like him. This leads me the above subject of being a masochist. Even though I could care less if I had a boyfriend right now I find myself in situations where I am good friends with guys that I am really attracted to. The reason why I become friends with these guys is usually because they like the fact that I listen to them or....they like one or more of my friends and they would like for me to hook them up. I listen to them tell how much they love their current girlfriend and how they wish they could work things out. Or I listen to them talk about how hot Becky, Jane, and Sarah(fake names of course) is and how much they want to take them to bed. They tell me every little detail of their lives and I listen to them like the good little therapist I am and give them advice.

Why do I keep doing this to myself? I mean...I must be a masochist because sometimes I wanna scream when my phone rings and it is one those people but yet I still answer the phone and use extremely high amounts of my anytime minutes to discuss the days unfortuanate events. This leads most of time to long bouts of low self-esteem that until recently, I have never had a problem with. I have never been the girl that guys go for at the beginning. I am the girl that guys like to hang out with, watch basketball, talk about music, or discuss problems with. All of my past boyfriends started out as just friends that one day I made out with and the next day they were my boyfriend. Guys think that I am funny and cool. They they that I am quirky and intelligent and a blast to hang out with. They think that I am a beautiful black girl but Jessica Simpson I am not.

I am saying this because I rarely admit that I have problems. The truth is I on a daily basis I deal with life pretty well so it is really obvious when things are out of wack. My close friends have noticed a change in me lately and this is why. I have always known that I don't fit into what society thinks is beautiful. I mean if you look at the cover of magazines your don't see ethnic, plus-sized, kinky haired girls. I am actually glad that I don't look like those girls and take pride in the fact that I am unique. I don't feel the need to always be on a diet or get a fake tan. I like the way I look even if other people don't.

I have decided that I no longer want to be a masochist. Ultimately it does not make me feel better. The truth is I would rather be alone than to just take what I can get. I have never felt the need to be validated by another person in order for me to feel like I was pretty, smart, or skinny enough. I don't plan to start now.

2006-03-21T09:42:00.001-08:00

Let the good times roll!

This is what they say in New Orleans. Let the good times roll! As I prepare for the departure of my two very best friends to NYC I am reflecting on the absolutely good times they provided for me. I will try not to get to sappy but it is true what my mother says, you don't know what you're going to miss until you loose it. I remember the first time I met Hilary. She was standing in our fabulous Cathedral street apartment. I remember thinking "how am I going to get along with this little curly haired blond girl?". But you see, Hilary had already proven her character that previous summer when her family fronted me some money to help me pay the security deposit for the apartment . She did not know me but she was incredibly self-less by doing this. Since then Hilary has been my roommate, best friend, and sister.

I first met Robert in a graduate student meeting at Peabody. I remember the first time he opened his mouth knowing that he was going to be my friend. Black women and gay men are like peanut butter and jelly. Whenever I need a dose of reality or a good laugh I can alway count on Robert.

Getting older means that things change. First it was Steve Z., Tom, Peter, then Andrea, then James, Rebecca, and now it is Robert and Hilary. It would be a supreme understatement to say that I am going to miss these guys. They have been my rocks. They share my taste in music, politics, and bitchiness. We have had difficult times that we have had to help each other through and we have some kick ass times that we will remember for the rest of our lives. But I am happy about this new chapter in their lives. The beauty of being opera singers is that we will still see each other. And I know that if I ever need anything, it is just a short drive up Insterstate 95.

2006-03-16T08:18:00.000-08:00

A whole lot of Night Music

Last night I had one of the most enjoyable nights of music I have ever had. I went to the Peabody production of Sondheim's "A Little Night Music" and I was blown away. It has been long time since I have seen such great acting and wonderful singing. I was very, very impressed. A lot of my friends were in the show. A lot of them I knew were talented. Jessica Medina was awesome and as usual her voice was like butter and her acting was superb. I can literally see Jessica's star rising. Elzbeth Davis(I hope that is how you spell her name) was astounding. Her "Send in the Clowns" was so touching and well sung. She is going to be famous one day. Dan Kempson and Lizzie Horton were really funny and sounded great. Phyllis was amazing as usual. The one person that suprised me was Mr. Daniel Siegel. I always thought that Dan had one of the most beautiful voice I have ever heard (and I still do). But he never stood out as an actor. But last night he blew me away. Maybe it was because he was surrounded by such a great cast but he really came through. All in all, it turned out to be a fabulous night. I am so proud of everyone. Makes me really happy to be a Peabody Alum.

2006-03-15T08:46:00.000-08:00

A Reflection

There has been a mighty surge in my motivation when it comes to being a singer. I don't know exactly why but it has caused me to kick everything into high gear. I have been taking coachings and lessons and learning lots of new music. I have been practicing everyday and brushing up on my languages. I feel pretty lucky. I have some good people behind me that kick my butt to make sure I am doing what I am supposed to do. At my coaching yesterday with Dottore McLucas he made the comment "You are young, but not that young." At first I was offended, but then I realized he was telling the truth. I was always the youngest. I had my Master's by the time I was 22 and my post-grad by the time I was 24. I am used to making the excuse that I am young and that I have time. The truth is that while I am young, I am not that freakin young and I better start hittting things really hard if I want to keep up with the competition. I have been blessed with some great opportunities. Hell, I have sung for Domingo twice (and actually liked me, but I doubt I will get into the program), and this summer it is very likely that I will studying with one of the greatest, Renata Scotto. I am very grateful to some key people that help me make these things happen and here they are:

Phillip Suggs-My high school choir teacher who made me love singing and made me want to be a teacher. He changed so many lives including my own simply because he believed.

Meredith Nutter-Voice teacher back in undergraduate who first told me that even though I was at a teacher's college that I could be more than that. She first revealed that I had potential and planted the seed that is still growing today.

George Bitzas-My teacher at Tennessee who kicked my ass big time and believed in me when everybody else there thought I sucked. He recognized that me not getting any performance experience there was a good thing because I had plenty time to focus on my voice, which is exactly what we did. I swear by his technique still today and he will be my voice teacher till the day I die.

Michael Phillip Davis-My coach in New York(also the son of Regina Resnik) who has given me many opportunities because he thinks that I sang the best damn "Dove Sono" he has ever heard. He gave me Fiordiligi in San Francisco and is funding my lessons with Ms. Scotto.

Ed Polochick-Choir teacher at Peabody who many people hate but he provided me with one of the most life changing experiences of my life, the soprano solo in the Verdi Requiem.

Dr. John McLucas- My current coach. He kicks my butt and gives no mercy but is one of my biggest supporters.

Phyllis Bryn-Julson-My voice teacher who is one my biggest cheerleaders and the funniest people that I know. She makes me feel like a rock star every time I walk into her studio and has provided me with the best career advice that you can not buy.

My family and friends-Who have been true to me from the very beginning. I cherish you guys dearly. Some of you have no idea how much I love you and thank you. It is because of you that I stay humble.

This career is tough and only the strongest survive. It is not for the timid or the weak. I pray that I continue to stay motivated so that one day this big ass dream of mine may come true.

2006-03-08T08:35:00.000-08:00

I was talking to my mother last night on the telephone and telling her about how some of my students live in the ghetto and how sad it was to me. I told her how afraid I was some of these kids were not going to make it because of their situations. She proceeded to tell me alot of things that I had no idea happened while I was growing up. It also proves what an awesome person she is.

I grew up in a very small, rural, and poor part of South Carolina. I remember my brother (and sometimes my father when he didn't have a job) waking up at 5am in the morning to get onto the back of the truck to go work in the tobacco field that the white part of my family owns and have owned for over 2 centuries. I remember playing outside barefoot and getting dirty and sweaty and not being able to come inside until the sun set. I remember eating bologna and grits for dinner at the table with my two sisters and two brothers (one of who was my cousin but my mother raised him because his own mother gave him away). I remember going to visit my grandparents in the swamp and diving for crawfish and cutting down and eating sugar cane. There was no TV so we basically sat outside all day long playing with the horses and pigs. I remember a time when my dialect of English was almost not understandable. It was a mix between the broken Englisht that my father spoke (known as Gullah) and the New York ghetto spanish that my mother spoke. I remember being among the first generation on both my mother's and father's side to go to college and graduate. Right now I am the only one that holds more than two degrees. What I don't remember is ever wanting for anything.

My mother says that my sisters and I her miracle. It is miracle that we thought bigger than the farms and fields that both my parents started working in when they were 5 years old! It is miracle that we survived domestic violence and the verbal abuse that my weak (but loved) father put on my mother in his drunk rages before she decided to kick his ass out (To this day, my mother still won't let us say a bad word against my father). It is miracle that my mother raised 5 kids on her own, put three through college, went back to college herself, while working at a sewing factory that paid her $2.65 per hour. It is a miracle that not one day in our life did we not recieve everything that we needed and never, ever knew that we were poor. It is a miracle that mother was spit on, cussed at, called half-breed, high yellow, and the N-word and is still the most open, sweetest, open-minded people that you ever met.

I told my mother that she was wrong. It wasn't us that were the miracles. She is the miracle.

2006-03-06T09:48:00.000-08:00

Damn right "Crash" deserved. Now, I realize that I may offend some of gay friends who were really rooting for "Brokeback". Yes, I thought that "Brokeback" was a awesome movie. It stays with me to this day but "Crash" got into my soul. It confronted a lot of things that I find personal like racism, sexism, and what happens when different people collide. The editing was great and the acting was awesome. "Crash" came out early last year so a lot of people forgot about it. The latest Oscar buzz revived interest in the movie and people rented it and saw what the hype was all about. They found out that this movie is a movie for our time. As much as I loved "Brokeback" (Heather Ledger is my babies daddy!), "Crash" hit home. I am black woman living in America and this is the movie that I can identify with. So congrats"Crash".

Okay, so I am liberal. Sue me.

2006-03-01T08:32:00.000-08:00

Yes, people I have finally started a blog on blogspot. I also have a blog on Friendster, MySpace, and Live Journal. This is way too much work so I will just post the same thing on each. That being said......

I don't understand the utter stupidity that goes on in this world and especially this country. I mean, I am very proud to be an American, but give me a f-ing break. I am sitting here listening to the Ed Norris Show and he is currently talking about how he doesn't want a gay man teaching children. Now Ed, who is middle of line independent and leans toward the right, is really pissing me off. How can you say that you are for equal rights and at the same time say that you don't want a gay man teaching your child. Um...excuse me. I think we call that a contradiction.

Now there are many reasons why I don't vote republican and there is seriously not enough space on blogspot for me to explain. And don't get me wrong, there are many democrats who have their head up their asses. But people understand this, the world is changing. Things change and people change. This crusade that W is on for world domination is seriously gonna start World War 3. The world will never be what George Bush and his lackey's want it to be. Lighten up, let gays have their rights. Jesus.